Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
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