god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
She told me she only masterbates to Kenny Rogers songs.
OMG. What did u say?
I told her I did too.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Randomize
