I'm going to jail i love you
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Randomize
