She wanted to test if her costume allows her to still have sex in it. It does
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
I'm stoned as hell watching the new Star Trek movie. My life is 110% better than it was an hour ago.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Is constant horniness a medical condition? Because a husband, a boyfriend and an office side piece should be enough penis for one girl - but they’re not :-(
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