Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
by the end of the night two people were passed out at the table, three on the couches, and one in the bathroom. it looked like someone pumped sleeping gas into the middle of a dinner party.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I can feel your movements against the shared wall we are leaning up against. It makes me feel as though we are one. Queue Pocahontas song...
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
Randomize
