Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
She made me pour olive oil on her.
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I know this sounds fake but she's deep frying a bar of soap right now
Come fucking get her
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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