Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
Don't worry about it. I've taken so much Plan B, my uterus is purely for show now.
is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
