every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
Randomize
