U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
even your uterus rejects him.
apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
I found him in the livingroom trying to soak up broken glass with the clock from the kitchen.
Like that time I held Annie up and she peed all over the window.. We make a good team.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Randomize
