We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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