found the other keg... it's in the tree
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
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