I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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