$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
I’ve got a sex swing and lube, he’s not going anywhere soon
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