I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
