Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
The first clue should've been that he literally had shit in his hair. How does that even happen?
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
