I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just want to slap everyone in the face that's happy being sober. Loser.
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
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