Spotted: jayne dropping her cigarettes in a puddle...then picking them back up and putting them in her pocket. If i ever get that desperate, stop talking to me
It's just like soggy cereal, but cancerous
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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