Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.
That's the best idea I've heard all day.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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