Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
It's only ok to pee out the window in the afternoon when you're drunk.
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
This is random but I just wanted to thank you for all the things you taught me sexually in life.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize