The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
I figured he was gay when I walked in on him working out to Flirty Girl Fitness.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
Everything's a blur with pockets full of jello
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
Bored at work. googling vodka waffles.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
why is half of my head shaved?
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