Pappa wants mamma naked
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.
Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man
Smoked a blunt with my dad then introduced him to cinnabon delights. Today was a good day.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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