he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
I don't want to get into details but it feels like there was a bear mauling involved. A very good bear mauling.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
Randomize
