Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
I don't know. She kept pirouetting across the kitchen while making dinner. I just sat there stoned.
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My vagina still hurts from yesterday. That's the last time I think riding a mop bucket is a good idea. Don't let me do that again
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
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