It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Don't EVER smell your tampon
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.
Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
