i'm listening to "transmissions" by The Tea Party from like '97 and waxing my legs. fuck i'm awesome in my alone time
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
Everything smells like beer. Everything. But I cant drag myself out of bed to take a shower. So beer it is.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I have tan lines from my nipple rings.
i came outside and he was eating her out on my lawn. i refuse to pick up the dog shit in my yard so i hope he chose the spot wisely
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Randomize
