My birthing hips are way to big to be around all these juveniles.
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I'm really proud of my unchallenged ability to convert boob guys into ass men
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
