It says i should accept HIV aids as my friend on facebook.We have 12 friends in common. I need new friends.
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
I had to hypnotize my roommate last night so there's that.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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