She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
We couldnt find you anywhere and when you finally answered your phone all you said was "im safe"
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
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