I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
I just ditched my friends to hang out with the chilis restaurant crew...one of these girls better have daddy issues
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
i did nothiing wrong other than not tell that kid his whole back was covered in puke
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I bought something for you today. You'll love it.
What is it? Drugs?
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
You know you're out of shape when you're sore after masturbating.
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