So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
Questioning the dried heart shaped nutella on my boobs. Valentines day has begun.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
We got a noise complaint for vacuuming too much but not for getting really high and yelling about peanut butter
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
Randomize
