Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
He said he was from Mississippi and my vagina clamped shut like a frightened oyster
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
I recently had a rabies scare because I thought putting socks on my hands to pick up a squirrel that got in my house was a good idea.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
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My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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