My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
Who keeps a bong in their car??
Kids who graduated high school two weeks ago.
Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
