So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.
Just tried on my bathing suit for the first time this year. Had to drink a beer to numb the pain.
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
you ate an entire watermelon by using a CD as a spoon, then proceeded to chuck the leftovers at some dudes car...
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
Randomize
