I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Who wears a wallet chain?!
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Just FYI....you totally yelled out Royals while we were having sex last night lol.
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Randomize