What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
