I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
conclusion from last night: i should wear boob glitter more often
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
