she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
So im at the gym and some guy has a tattoo of a hand doing the shocker... The douche bag bar has been raised yet again.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It's so obvious he's evil. I mean, would a non-evil person have facial hair like that?
Randomize
