the only thing i knew about you is that u dated jordan and were potentially interested in a threesome
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
The shit I just took made me regret every life decision leading up to it.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Can we talk about the fact that a stranger is doing a line of coke off our living room table right now?
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
