I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
Don't shower too much, need the shame to be fresh to get the best story
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
If you shit your pants and not say anything about it right before we have sex one more time I'm dumping you.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
