If he looks like a Gremlin DO NOT get him wet.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
he was almost the father of your baby, you should let him take you to dinner
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