ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Day 5 without masturbation. Fat chicks are back on the table
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I woke up with what has to be a whole pack of smarties loose in my bra. Was that your fault?
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