Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
My liver is preforming stress tests.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Randomize
