You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
So im walking through ohare and this guy walks by with a cart full of big bottles of liquor. I want to know what flight hes on.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
