My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize