My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
My boss brought her husband's telescope to work, so all of us that work in the MMJ Dispensary got high and had an impromptu Blood Moon viewing party. I love my job.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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