Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
he took off his pants and apologized in advance if I thought he was too small.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
God fucking bless the man who invented the vibrator. Bless him and all his descendants. I think I saw the face of God tonight
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Randomize
