Betty ford says i'm here all night
shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
Although, I did get to see a Raiders fan and his toothless girlfriend get roughed up by the police and dragged out of the stadium. So the night wasn't a total loss.
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Randomize
