i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
So i had a feeling this dude with one leg in a wheelchair was following me around Walmart turns out I was right. He just asked for a picture of my feet.
i mean i let him but still...
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Randomize
