I molested 6 butterflies tonight
theyre doing DJ Khaled impressions again...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Tomorrow night wont work for me. I'm talking with Bryan about marriage and I dont want to have a shroom hangover.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Randomize
