1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Courtney? Is that you? I have pictures of this very same night.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
I'm moving out of my place and I just gave my mom a couch that I had sex on last night. Reduce, reuse, recycle at its best.
I planned to shave today but it's Friday the 13th I might cut something
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
