Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
I wanna just rip ass and see his reaction but i bet itd be better to shatter that illusion when hes drunk
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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