i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I feel so much better about my break up knowing that he's having his 26th birthday at Rollar kingdom\n
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
