Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Would it be totally inappropriate to have his frat and our sorority Teebowing our exit from the abortion clinic?
Just came to the realization that what I thought were orgasms were just lightheadedness from hyperventilation. My entire sex life is a lie.
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
He still want's to kick my ass for fucking his sister, probably a bad idea to leave the bar with his ex...
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
Randomize
