Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I think my goal for this black wed is to not scream at an off duty state cop in a bar after trying to flirt with him. No need to make that an annual tradition
You're alright. You just passed out while we were having sex. Then I'm pretty sure you peed. So I went home.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
I am buying anal lube, an enema, and a bag of kit kats. What part of this is compelling the Walgreens woman to tell me to "be well".
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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