When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I too understand the importance of cheesy bread
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
I have all the porn. Be there soon
Who is this?
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
