Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
I just watched my ex butt chug a quart of eggnog. Why did I dump her again?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
