I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I'm scared at the amount of beastiality in this conversation.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Did you leave a blizzard on my porch last night? Or was that someone else giving out a metaphorical threat to me?
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I supernannyed him into submission
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
