How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I distinctly remember holding up a piece of ham pizza and screaming: "WHO THE FUCK EATS HAM PIZZA" in the face of a bunch of scared 13 year old girls faces, while my own sister laughed in mine.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
No other way to put this but the dick was not worth him crying for an hour after. No more online hookups.
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Just walked out of the train bathroom after having sex and got a round of applause from the passengers. Definitely the best part of the trip.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
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