Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
I think I died a long time ago.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
i woke up this morning put my hand under the pillow and there was a banana there
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
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