If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
i've lived in the woods for so long, as long as its post-op, i don't care.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
i made out with his shirt. MDMA, man.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Randomize
